


All For Nothing

by ladyhavilliard



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Getting Together, Kissing, Love Confessions, Pining, Post-Canon, Self-Hatred, how does one tag things properly?, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-05 12:13:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18828472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyhavilliard/pseuds/ladyhavilliard
Summary: Azriel knows he’s in love with Elain. But he also knows she deserves someone better than him. Breaking his already vulnerable heart seems better like a better option than ruining her life by being part of it.





	1. Chapter 1

Why do people fall in love?  
Why do they love people, who will never be theirs? Who belong to someone else?  
People know nothing will happen, they know it will hurt. But in the end of the day, they still do.

He does.

Azriel stared through the window in front of him. There she was, seated in the garden that she had planted herself. Surrounded by flowers of all kinds and colours, she sat there, lips pulled into a beautiful smile and an unfinished flower crown in hands.

Elain Archeron was fragile, gorgeous and kind. Grower of beauty, of life. And she deserved everything in this world.

Everything that wasn’t him.

What could he give to her? Scars to hide her beauty. Shadows and darkness to swallow her light. Death to ruin the life she creates. There was too much blood on his hands. He didn’t deserve even to touch her or be near her, let alone kiss her, love her. Be loved by her.

For years he had thought he knew what love was. Five hundred years and Azriel was sure of it. Even though he knew that Morrigan would not, could not, return his feelings, they never disappeared. And so, during all that time, he believed it was love. After all, he had nothing to compare it to.

Until she had come.

She was as broken as he was, but managed to heal. Managed to smile again, be happy again. And every time he saw that smile, he felt his heart beat faster, threatening to explode. Every time he saw that smile, he couldn’t ignore that warm feeling that bloomed inside his chest. It was as if the garden she had so carefully planted hadn’t been outside the house, but inside his heart instead and she was the sun, throwing the light and warmth that his flowerheart needed to stay alive. A kind of joy that was so new and exciting, yet somehow familiar and calming. And every time he looked into Elain’s eyes… He fell in love with her over and over again.

The way he had felt about Mor… It was a childish game compared to how he felt about Elain.

But it didn’t matter. It never would.

“Why are you standing there?” he heard her ask. “Come here!”

Azriel hesitated for a moment, but couldn’t resist. He made his way towards Elain and sat beside her, trying not to step on the flowers she had so carefully planted.

“Who is it for?” Az pointed at the flower crown in her hands.

She blushed, looking even more adorable than before. Cauldron, she would be the end of him.

“For you” she said after a moment of silence. “Oh, and this too”

As the words escaped her mouth, she took the small bag that lay beside her and took a blueberry muffin, offering it to the shadowsinger. He took it gladly, trying not to let their hands touch.

“I made them for Lucien”, she explained and Az stopped his hand mid-air, not sure if he wanted to eat the muffin anymore. “But when I told Feyre, she explained about that tradition and that it would mean that I was accepting the bond…”  
“And you aren’t?” Azriel asked her quietly when she wouldn’t continue.

A shadow passed through Elain’s face for a moment and then disappeared, as though it never was.

“I baked them as some sort of an apology gift.” Elain confessed. “I meant to tell him that I wouldn’t accept the bond. That I might love him as my friend, but with or without the mating bond, my feelings would never grow into something more.” She took a deep breath before meeting his gaze. Her eyes… They were full of emotions that Azriel couldn’t quite place. Or simply couldn’t believe.

“Because I…” Elain blushed again, but her eyes never left his. “I already fell in love and I can’t change it. It’s you, Azriel. I love you”

This wasn’t real. He didn’t deserve it.

He didn’t deserve _her_.

The whole world was silent. Everything disappeared for a moment. Azriel couldn’t see, couldn’t think. The only think he could do was feel. But it wasn’t a good feeling.

Oh, no. He felt as if the world was playing with him. He felt as if the Cauldron was trying to break him, kill him. Because Elain Archeron was too good for him and there was no chance she would ever love him back.

But messing with him this way?  
This wasn’t her.

What if she genuinely meant what she had said? What if she did love him back?

No, no…

It couldn’t be true.

Maybe she thought she liked him. Maybe it was the same confusing feeling that he had with Mor.

But even if Elain Archeron, the light in the darkness, the grower of things, life incarnate, thought she loved him, he couldn’t allow her to ruin her whole life because of one mistake.

The mistake of loving him.

“Won’t you say something?” her voice betrayed her at the last word. Silver lined her eyes and Azriel couldn’t bear it. So, he looked away.

“Only a fool would fall in love with someone like me” he hissed and stood up.

A sob escaped Elain’s lips and Azriel felt his heart would break. Suddenly winter had come and all those newly-planted flowers inside his heart were now buried beneath the frost.

He couldn’t turn around, couldn’t bear face her and see the pain in those beautiful eyes.

It hurt, but it was for her.

So the shadowsinger left the broken fawn in the garden.

He had helped her heal-

And it was all for nothing.

 


	2. Chapter 2

He had avoided her the whole day. And the day after. And the one after that.

A week passed and Azriel still hadn’t talked to Elain. Hell, he hadn’t even looked her in the eyes.

His family told him to go to her and clean this mess he had created before it was too late. They told him that it was obvious how much he was hurting. Rhys even tried to give him a couple of days off, but Azriel declined. His work as the spymaster was too important to just leave, he said.

But in reality, it was just another way to avoid her. To think about something else. Because no matter what they all said, he didn’t deserve someone like her. And most importantly- she deserved so much better. He could take the pain if it meant that Elain was going to have a good life. A happy one.

Azriel tried to act as he always did, so his family wouldn’t need to worry. But even so, no one could say he was behaving normally.

Every day he would be the first to enter the dining room. As their group started to gather around the table, he would already be almost finished with his meal. He tried to eat as fast as he could and had his shadows always carefully looking for Elain. The moment they sensed her entering the room, he would stand up and leave. Sometimes he would come up with a stupid excuse, but most of the time, he would just leave, hiding in his shadows while doing so. Always avoiding her eyes.

Today, he decided not to have dinner with them at all. Instead, Azriel stayed in his apartment in Velaris, sat on his couch with a glass full of some amber liquid in one hand and watched through the window. His eyes stayed pinned at the House of Wind, the lights beautifully shining through its huge windows.

_Go,_ a part of him said. The part of him that loved his friends and knew they loved him too. The part of him that wasn’t afraid to be himself, because he knew that the people dining in that house in that very moment were ready to sacrifice themselves for him. _Fly to the House of Wind. Be with them._

But there was still one part of him, the loud voice he always seemed to listen to, that screamed over and over again how wrong he was. They did love him, he knew that. But that could always change. Only a word was enough to let them see that they didn’t need him. One wrong move was enough for them to realize how much better they could be without him. So why go? Why take the risk of losing everything when he could just stay at home and watch them from afar without doing anything that could possibly change their mind?  
Why to make himself suffer? To sit beside Elain and have to bear the memory of the sob that had escaped her peachy lips as he had turned his back to her, as he had left her alone in the garden with, an unfinished flower crown in hands and a broken heart inside her chest.

He couldn’t handle the glares she gave him, the way she always tried to talk to him. The way he never let her speak.

He wasn’t worthy of her love. And her whole existence was a painful, heartbreaking reminder of it.

He couldn’t take it anymore.

A soft knock snapped him out of his thoughts.

He looked around for a moment, confused, as if he had wandered into a different world, as if his head had brought him on a journey to other dimensions.

_It’s her, it’s her_ , his shadows whispered. _Elain_.

Azriel breathed in heavily. What would happen if he simply ignored that knock? Would she think he wasn’t home? Would she try to find him? Did she even care enough to not give up?

Another knock followed, this time more insistent. He sighed and stood up, leaving his glass on the wooden table.

She left out a quiet sob as he opened the door.

Had she been crying?

Elain’s golden-brown hair was a total mess, nothing like the lovely hairstyles she usually wore, braiding flowers into her hair. Her eyes, the color of melted chocolate, were now red, her cheeks- flushed. The usual elegant dress that hugged her curves beautifully was now replaced by comfortable leggings and a shirt that was too big for her. She was biting her lip nervously, not knowing what to say.

“Hello, Elain”, was the only thing Az managed to say.

And then something in her just… broke.

The innocence in her eyes, the shyness in her posture, the insecurity that she showed while biting her lip. Everything was gone in a second, replaced by confusion, sadness, anger. And then she was clutching her hands into fist, slamming them against his chest over and over again. Tears formed in her eyes and began streaming down her face, as she kept hitting him time and time again. He didn’t stop her, didn’t say a word. Azriel wasn’t sure what this whole thing was about, wasn’t sure what he’d done to hurt her so much. But he welcomed every hit and the little pain it brought. Because the pain, her hate… He was a monster and he deserved it all.

“Why?” She asked, her voice barely a whisper. “Why? Why? _Why?”_

The word became louder every time she repeated it.

All of a sudden, Elain fell on her knees, her legs unable to hold her up anymore. Her hands fell to her lap, powerless, her whole body shaking with sobs. In this moment she looked so weak and vulnerable. So... broken.

“Why?” She asked once again.

Azriel didn’t know what to do, what to say.

He wanted her to be happy, he wanted to never see her like this again. But there was no way he could help her. Not one he was aware of, at least. He loved her, as much was clear. But it didn’t matter, because having these feelings still didn’t help him make her laugh or even just smile. So instead of telling her those three words, he lifted her off the ground, carefully, as if not to break her and closed the door behind them, before letting Elain rest on the couch. Every cell in his body protested against the loss of contact. Azriel wanted nothing more than to hold Elain in his arms, but he knew better.

She had calmed herself now. Her body wasn’t shaking anymore and the tears had stopped, though her face remained wet and flushed.

Elain breathed in, her eyes meeting Azriel’s.

“Why did you start avoiding me?” she began, her voice weak and quiet. “When you left me in the garden, I couldn’t think straight. I felt so embarrassed and sorry, because I knew, I knew I should’ve stayed quiet. Because loving you was so much easier when I had hope… But then, I didn’t feel so bad anymore. I reminded myself that I still had you as my friend. And if that was all you could give me, I was fine with it. Having you by my side means everything to me and if friends is all we can ever be, than fine, I can live with it… But then you betrayed me, Azriel!” His name came out as a scream, laced with so much pain that the shadowsinger had to look away once again.

“I wanted to apologize, to tell you that nothing had to change. But whenever I tried to come near you, you stormed out of the room, never even stopping to look me in the eyes… It hurts so much.”

“Hurting you was never my intention” Azriel said, guilt filling his heart. “Everything I did was to protect you.”  
“ _Protect me?”_ she laughed joylessly, throwing her hands desperately in the space between them. “I showed you everything I am, Azriel! I let you near me, opened up to you and willingly offered you my heart! And then you smashed it and threw it, as if it was a useless toy you didn’t want anymore.”

Azriel couldn’t breathe.

Did she… Did she really think of him like that? Did he really manage to mess up that badly?

Her words, the look in her eyes- there was no way he could be mistaking it. How had he been such a fool?

Azriel leaned closer and gently lifted her chin with his scarred hand, forcing her to meet his gaze.

“I am sorry” He said and made sure she could see he really meant it.

“I left you, because I was scared. I avoided you, because I thought it would be easier, because a girl like you could never love someone like me. I thought that… maybe you had confused affection with love, the same way I had been doing for more than 500 years. I avoided you, because you have a mate who loves you and I can’t compete with that. I thought that choosing me was a mistake and I didn’t want you to suffer for it later… But I made you suffer now instead, and I am so incredibly sorry, Elain. This is no excuse, but I never intended to hurt you the way I did.”

Elain closed her eyes, her hands fisting once more.

“Stop with the self-pity. Stop acting as though the world would be better off without you”, she whispered. “Stop acting as if there is no one who cares about you. Can’t you see that it hurts us all when you can’t believe in or accept our love and care for you? The whole Inner Circle loves you, they would all rather lose their own lives than watch you suffer. I care for you! I love you! And it’s killing me to know that you won’t let yourself be happy just because you don’t believe you can make us happy, too. Especially when you make me so, so happy.”

A tear escaped her eye. Azriel tried to wipe it away with his thump, but the moment he touched her, Elain clasped her hand at the back of his neck and brought her lips to his.

The sensation killed him and brought him back to life. It was as if he was drowning and burning at the same time. He had no control over his body, his thoughts. There was only she, the feeling of her fingers running through his hair, her free hand tracing a line through his cheek, his neck, his shoulder… She tasted like roses and blueberries and something that was entirely _her_. Azriel smiled into the kiss and felt her doing the same.

He could still feel the wetness of the tears that had streamed down her face earlier, could taste them on her lips, but he could also sense her joy.

“I love you” he said, breaking the kiss to look her in the eyes. “I love you, Elain Archeron. So very much.”

“Thank you. For healing me”, she answered, a shy smile gracing her lips. “And promise to never hurt me again.”

Azriel placed another soft kiss on her lips.  
“I promise I’ll stay at your side. I’ll love you until this world fades into nothing, perhaps even after that. I promise to do everything I can to keep the smile on your lips and to protect the flowers inside your heart. And I want to thank you, too. For healing me. For showing me the way out of the darkness.”

He pulled her even closer to him, wanting to never let go. She climbed on his lap and rested her head in the crook of his neck, her smile indeed never disappearing.

No matter what had happened, in each other’s arms, they felt home.

The hopelessness, the sadness and the anger that they had felt only moments ago, now seemed as if from another lifetime, a different world.

Maybe the waiting, the grieving and pain had been worth it, too. It took them a long time to heal, but together, they had managed to do so. Perhaps it wasn’t for nothing after all.


End file.
